my son kept whispering “perfect sandwich” over and over while he made a sandwich and now he won’t even let me try it

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At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game


Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.


Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.


First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.


The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.


Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?


i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.


*walks in
*wife is murdered
*looks at mirror
(Written in blood)

“My next what?

*from the closet
“Oh sorry typo I meant you’re.


Lies I’ll never stop telling:

1. I’d never put you in a home, mom.

2. It’s 6 inches long.

3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.