*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
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Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Only Americans understand
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.