At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
my son kept whispering “perfect sandwich” over and over while he made a sandwich and now he won’t even let me try it
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Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Me: Ur driving me crazy
Crazy: Nah, I’m too drunk
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
*wife is murdered
*looks at mirror
(Written in blood)
“My next what?
*from the closet
“Oh sorry typo I meant you’re.
Lies I’ll never stop telling:
1. I’d never put you in a home, mom.
2. It’s 6 inches long.
3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.