@iamspacegirl

my son kept whispering “perfect sandwich” over and over while he made a sandwich and now he won’t even let me try it

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@meganamram

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

@simoncholland

Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.

@junejuly12

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.

@ipalatsky

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

@68Cly29

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.

@JoroPotential

Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?

@krautsider

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

@ATorres2181

*walks in
*wife is murdered
*looks at mirror
(Written in blood)
YOUR NEXT

“My next what?

*from the closet
“Oh sorry typo I meant you’re.

@superdadatron

Lies I’ll never stop telling:

1. I’d never put you in a home, mom.

2. It’s 6 inches long.

3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.