My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
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[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
me doing my best
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
“What?”
– Jude
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!