Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
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pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.