@Shenanigans_luv

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

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@WGladstone

When God closes a door, he opens a window. So God’s pretty clearly getting high in his dorm room.

@WritePlay

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

@shawnspree

You know she loves you when you wakeup in a pool of ice in the motel room bathtub with only one kidney removed.

@DevilryFun

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

@YourAnMoron

Me “I love you.”
My 3yo “Thanks.”

And just like that, 4 years of High School memories came flooding back.

@Cyd10e

Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!

@NerishaLakha

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

@TheAlexNevil

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

@DepecheALAmode

If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say “It’s on the house.”