My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
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Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.