My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

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When God closes a door, he opens a window. So God’s pretty clearly getting high in his dorm room.


My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana


You know she loves you when you wakeup in a pool of ice in the motel room bathtub with only one kidney removed.


My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.


Me “I love you.”
My 3yo “Thanks.”

And just like that, 4 years of High School memories came flooding back.


Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!


Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.


*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute


If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say “It’s on the house.”