My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

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The next James Bond is just going to be three hours of him trying to get all his info off Facebook.


I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]


Sorry I called you a drunk, but in my defense, I didn’t think you’d remember.


Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo


Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.


COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang


If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is


My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.


I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.