MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
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I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
🌱🌱🌱
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”