This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
You Might Also Like
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
I will totally judge you based on your choice of breakfast cereal, you unfrosted weirdo.
I paid My 11 old $10 to do the dishes, so on her way to the bathroom I mugged her…because, you know, life lesson.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.