Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
You Might Also Like
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
The honesty is refreshing
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Autocorrect completely socks
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see