My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
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“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too