My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
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Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.