I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
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-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?