@GuttaLikeNoOtha

My son: Mommy I can’t wait to grow up and be a man.

Me: Don’t be silly son, you can’t do both

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@StoferComic

My brief gig as a lounge singer ended when I asked 4 requests & realized I didn’t know the song “Get Off the Stage or Die.” Elvis, maybe?

@PhilJamesson

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

@AshleyFrankly

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

@really10months

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

@stevevsninjas

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

@causticbob

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

@JJSummertime

It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?

@randypaint

making better choices in 2020:
-hard
-impressive
-everyone expects it

making worse choices in 2020:
-easier
-arguably more impressive
-no one expects it
-“how were there worse choices”, they will say