My son: Mommy I can’t wait to grow up and be a man.

Me: Don’t be silly son, you can’t do both

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I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]


Meet your girlfriend’s brother then realize you’re screwing the female version of a guy.


*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef


Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that


The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.


I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am


Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.


The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.


MY WIFE: [donating blood]
ME: That’s from both of us