What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
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Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Friday
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
He just like my cat fr