@GuttaLikeNoOtha

My son: Mommy I can’t wait to grow up and be a man.

Me: Don’t be silly son, you can’t do both

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@Bob_Janke

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]

@juliussharpe

Meet your girlfriend’s brother then realize you’re screwing the female version of a guy.

@IvoryGazelle

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

@fro_vo

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

@tyrannees

The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

@YourMomsucksTho

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

@sixfootcandy

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

@JustinGuarini

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.

@bea_ker

MY WIFE: [donating blood]
ME: That’s from both of us