My son “popped his collar” so I’m dropping him off a block from school so no one sees me.

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Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.


ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—


7:55 pm: Pours Diet Coke over fries to prevent self from eating them.
8:03 pm: Eats soggy Diet Coke fries.


Waiter: how would you like your steak?
Me: rare
Waiter: *brings steak with a 1st edition Charizard on it*
Me: *tearing up* perfect


Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.


Hot Pringles in your area want you to jam your whole fist in their cans.


7y:why are you putting make up on?
Me:to look nicer
7y:when does it start working?