@jackiembouvier

My son “popped his collar” so I’m dropping him off a block from school so no one sees me.

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@ValeeGrrl

ME: my husband wears a pair of jorts the week I’m ovulating

DOCTOR: no i meant are you on any form of hormonal birth control

ME: ah. no.

@TuSoonShakur

Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.

@TheMichaelRock

HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.

@JohnLyonTweets

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

@ruinedpicnic

me: [spends $20 on a parody MAGA hat with a subtle change]
anyone more than five feet away: oh look that person is a trump supporter

@rdthought

Girlfriend: Stop lying around on the couch all day.
Me: But you said we needed to start conserving energy.

@ericsshadow

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

@wumother

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

@AnOrangeSNES

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!