@jackiembouvier

My son “popped his collar” so I’m dropping him off a block from school so no one sees me.

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@T_N_Crumpets

Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]

@o__0Dev

Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

@KSekouM

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

@Parkerlawyer

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

@mydmac

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

@PunLovinLad

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

@zachreinert03

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

@Gooooats

I’m a Civil War reenactor but I only reenact the time General Ambrose Burnside took a three hour nap.