My son “popped his collar” so I’m dropping him off a block from school so no one sees me.

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ME: my husband wears a pair of jorts the week I’m ovulating

DOCTOR: no i meant are you on any form of hormonal birth control

ME: ah. no.


Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.


HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.


I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.


me: [spends $20 on a parody MAGA hat with a subtle change]
anyone more than five feet away: oh look that person is a trump supporter


Girlfriend: Stop lying around on the couch all day.
Me: But you said we needed to start conserving energy.


WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you


I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”


One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!