My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
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GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Love is always patient and kind.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.