At some point, male “pick-up artists” are just going to start chasing women around like Benny Hill.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
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No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Which lip am I supposed to bite to look sexy in selfies? Cuz I look like a werewolf when I bite my top lip
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
HR – What are your strengths and weaknesses ?
Me – WiFi Password and WiFi Signal.
My boss thinks being gay is a disease so I called in queer this morning.
But I reassured him that I should be straight again by tomorrow.
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.