@ericsshadow

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

You Might Also Like

@markleggett

At some point, male “pick-up artists” are just going to start chasing women around like Benny Hill.

@LittleMissZesty

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

@SteveSuckington

“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?

“Exactly”

@Lisabug74

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

@DonQuickoats

Which lip am I supposed to bite to look sexy in selfies? Cuz I look like a werewolf when I bite my top lip

@WhaJoTalkinBout

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

@Book_Krazy

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean

@RoastedPapad

[Interview]
HR – What are your strengths and weaknesses ?
Me – WiFi Password and WiFi Signal.

@HeyZeus666

My boss thinks being gay is a disease so I called in queer this morning.

But I reassured him that I should be straight again by tomorrow.

@BobTheSuit

[Job interview]

-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?

Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.