@ericsshadow

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

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@LoverOfComics94

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

@dubstep4dads

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

@BestScienceJoke

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

@StarWarsProblms

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

@Nickadoo

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

@junejuly12

Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?

Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.

No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!

[My dog watching me floss]

@TheBenHoyle

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

@sofarrsogud

DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians

ME: *hand shoots up*

EXEC: NOT with velociraptors

ME: *hand drops down*