My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
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Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”