My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
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Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Smile they said.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…