Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
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So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Wikigenius
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.