My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
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Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you