My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
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oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Spotted in New Orleans.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up