My son said he was bored of having to lean over his plate while eating so I said I was bored of having kids and now maybe everyone is crying

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I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.


If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.


How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.


Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC


Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.


Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?


absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit


Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.