@VisionBored1

My son said he was bored of having to lean over his plate while eating so I said I was bored of having kids and now maybe everyone is crying

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@Parkerlawyer

I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.

@o__0Dev

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

@HenpeckedHal

How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.

@JediGigi

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

@Lisabug74

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

@bartandsoul

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

@urmumsausername

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.