My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.

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What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Except marriage, marriage will kill you.


My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.


[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie


Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes


Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.


One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.


“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”


So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.