My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
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“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more