The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
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*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
😂😂😂
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
“What movie?” 🤔
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Okey dokey.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I have so many questions.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find