My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
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ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb