My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
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son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP