My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
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Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’