My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
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Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Worst perfume name ever.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.