My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

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“I am a gift to this earth.”

[Earth regifts me]

“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”


MUGGER: *exasperated* Look dude. I’m NOT mad at you. I JUST want your money and your watch. That’s it. We’re totally okay, I promise.

ME: *wiping snot from my nose* …okay, do you promise you aren’t mad though


Nothing says true love like sacrificing someone to Satan together


My roomba just went into the corner and knocked over the broom that was leaning there. Dude, chill out. You already got the job.


Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.


Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was


[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?


This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.