My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
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I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
birds and squirrels envy us
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
craving $300 all of a sudden
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair