my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
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WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
When they try to steal your moment.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Xylophonist Shredding It
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
*aggressively waits in line*
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.