Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
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“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
🤣🤣
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I am patiently waiting for your email
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.