my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
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looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.