[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
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[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
How to wake up a Beagle
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….