@ericsshadow

[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”

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@Beatonm5

Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves

@AimeeHelene1

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

@dumbbeezie

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

@Rollinintheseat

Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*

@TheRolo

Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]

Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast

Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!

@Cali_Kid_Mike

Yesterday I told my aunt that DTF means “Doing the Facebook”. Her daily posts are much more entertaining now.

@TheToxicWaster

I walked a girl down into the dark woods. She said it’s very scary. I said how do you think i feel i have to walk back alone..

@Brianhopecomedy

Bought an ice cream cake and the cashier told me to keep it in the freezer until serving as it will melt. I gotta start dressing smarter.

@figgled

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off