[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”

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Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves


I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.


Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand


Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*


Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]

Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast

Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!


Yesterday I told my aunt that DTF means “Doing the Facebook”. Her daily posts are much more entertaining now.


I walked a girl down into the dark woods. She said it’s very scary. I said how do you think i feel i have to walk back alone..


Bought an ice cream cake and the cashier told me to keep it in the freezer until serving as it will melt. I gotta start dressing smarter.


Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off