Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
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[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
LOOOOOOL
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…