Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
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“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
The glory of fall.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend