My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.

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You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely


That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.


If anyone sees that woman drying her bra by holding it out of the car window please tell her I love her


[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit


If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.


the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am


Things Red Bull has given me:
1) jitters
2) diarrhea
3) a heart attack

Things Red Bull has not given me:
1) wings


a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back


a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering