I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
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Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.