What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
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Tier 3 meme
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
my fav colour is also hitler
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
That’s incredible! 👌
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Catering service
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it