The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
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Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Netflix: We have Less