My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
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My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Death certificates are our last participation award.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
😜
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less