My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
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A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.