My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
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If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Mornin
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.