@3sunzzz

My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.

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@Nawyourecrazy

Headed to a wedding and my guy friends told me to take pics of hot women for them.

*selfies*

@ObscureGent

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

@aveuaskew

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

@UncleDuke1969

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.

@JohnLyonTweets

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

@stevemarriott

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

@ASmallFiction

“I challenge you to a duel!”

“Very well. The weapon?”

“Compliments.”

“A capital choice.”

“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”

@Shot_Of_Cabo

“Wanna fool around while the baby is asleep?” I ask to the woman next to me on the plane who I’ve never met before and whose baby is asleep.

@Bob_Heller

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

@MBittersweet25

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem