My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
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*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Beware of the dog..
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.