If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
You Might Also Like
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
This is my cat’s medicine.
[meeting to name the brownie]
“How about baked chocolate cake?”
“Yummy choccy bake?”
Guy who named the orange: I have an idea…
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
friend: make everything about her
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*