My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
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in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.