My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
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My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
i made a craigslist ad !
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
#titanic
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.