My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
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Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.