My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
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The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them