This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
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Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I beg your pardon?
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.