Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
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Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???