My son was crying and asked, “why doesn’t the dog have to wear pants?” And it’s like, I don’t even know. So now I’m putting pants on a dog.
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Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.